enverbatim

09:54 pm

ok...i've heard that there is some confusion of the last part of my previous post
clarification time:

in France there are nude beaches
in many African societies, people actually walk around naked


heres the thing---we are soo obsessed with lust, and we've confused lust with sex
the very fact that what i said on my previous post made people think i was talking in a sexual way means that we are way too concerned with sex in the wrong way

for a guy, there are two ways to view a girl with a short skirt walking by you on campus walk
1. wow, look at her!...she's soo hot..
2. there is a girl with a short skirt walking by me


in the first example, lust is present
in the second, all that the guy sees is another person---no lust is involved
i take the second view

for me, i take the view of other cultures it seems....
i don't immediately see lust or sexuality in other people
when i see a girl walk by me with a short skirt....the only thing i see is a girl with a short skirt
--there is no factor of sex, lust...whatever

while it seems most guys will "check her out"
i don't


the story of David is brought to mind:
David sees Bathsheeba (sp?) bathing.....'ok, she's takin a shower, whatever'
but then he looks again---but this time, for lust
he of course, commits adultery with her


but like Jesus said---lust is adultery
so if i look at a girl walk by me in lust, then i'm commiting adultery
well, i hate lust----its a disgusting feeling, i personally hate it more than anything in the world in my own life


i view every person's body as a 'matter of fact'---people look certain ways
thats it....
there is a guy with jeans
a girl with a white shirt
etc...

whether a girl is 'hot' or whatever.....doesn't even occur to me anymore



however:
am i asexual?
heck no....

as a Christian, i think there is much more to sex than just the physical activity----i think that in sex, the two people 'become one'
there is a spiritual side to sex----which is what American culture doesn't even include




thats all i meant by the last post...
completely my fault in writing it in such a stupid way


but people remember there is a difference between conception and visualization
we can concieve of a tree in our mind---does not mean that we visualize a tree

also, analyze ourselves---why did we view my last post in the wrong way?
is it because we're so used to seeing sex/lust in everything?


thats all i meant.


heck, right as i write this...my roommate and company are watching Van Wilder--with Tara Reid
now...most people will be like: "oh my god, she is sooo hot"
well...whatever
i don't see her that way---heck, she's just a blond with blue eyes----whatever
or the Hooters calender on evan's dresser
those poeple on it are just people----thats all i see

no lust for me...
sure, i can tell which girls are attractive or not....but thats not lust
thats just opinion


thats it.
the end.

07:32 am

i don't think i was too clear of the actual, practical impacts of my previous posts----so i decided to write about them.....those things i wrote are the implicit, underlying parts of Church that i noticed---


in regard to my previous posts--this is all i mean:
i think St. Mary's has the ability to be more "warm" to people on the outside of Catholicism---most importantly, unbelievers

i think St. Mary's could be more open, have a friendlier, more brother/sisterhood feel to it
here's somethings they could do:
greeters at the door
an extended period to greet people during the service--not this 30 second "peace be with you"
a more open atmosphere to hug people
people to shake hands, and hug at the end of the service
more sermons on Christian brotherhood, Christian family----not so much on "church stuff"
CCM kids being more readily available to help the community's needs in the Church
less of an emphasis on personal prayer time---but more of an emphasis in Church prayer
generally louder---more talkitive place (not much...but just a little)
teachings on personal prayer time---not using Church for personal for spiritual innerwithdrawl
etc...

those small changes, those small differences will make a huge impact
and if we help somebody find Christ--or stregthen them in Christ-----will these changes not have been worth it?
and if it doesn't affect anybody---we will have made the effort anyways---and thats what God wants---effort....leave the results up to Him

thats all i mean----thats all i'd like to see
if i have an unbelieving friend---i shouldn't be limited to Shiloh to show him Christian brotherhood and Spirit----i believe St. Mary's can do the same thing---they can have the evidence of Christ's joy (although, in their own fashion)


thats it.
the end.
i will make it a point to talk to Fresca about it before i leave for home this year
or maybe somebody could pass these recommendations on to him?



heres what i really want to talk about today:
this is all from my own heart---it might not apply to anybody else in the world...which is fine:
i don't apply much meaning to actual clothing....
the fact that people wear clothes more than others doesn't affect me in the least

its not the clothes that amy wears that makes her so pretty
its her how she looks in her clothes----she compliments what she wears...not the other way around


so...with that said:
lets take a hypothetical situation (probably about as hypothetical as possible)
if me and came back to my room to watch a movie....and i had just come back from the gym and was sweaty and stinky....i would take a shower of course

ok...so i'm in the shower.. and amy is in my room doing whatever--listenin to music or something (metal!!!!-just kidding)...and the suddenly, for some unknown hypothetical reason---she decides that if she doesn't take a shower now, she wont be able to for the next 4 days or something weird like

so, she decides to hop in the shower with me....


what would be my reaction?

well---honestly, i wouldn't have one
i guess i just would hand her the soap

i don't make much or if any distinction between a person with clothes on or off

i guess it works much like how adults view babies---or something....like, its not a big deal if their naked---who cares?...its a baby

i don't mean to say amy is a baby-----or i view her as one (that'd be by far the most retarded thing ever)...what i'm sayin is that i view it all with the same implicit logic

i think i respect her to the point where i'm not worried or concerned about physical things---
doesn't matter to me

i would view her changing her shirt right in front of me the same as if she would change her socks....
i don't make any disctinctions between parts of person's body

overtime, i think people have to come to view some parts of a person's body more acceptable to see
like...its no big deal if somebody sees your foot---but God forgive them if they catch a glimpse of your butt or somethin like that

for some reason---i've gotten past this childish and foolish opinion about people



"Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and naked i will depart." Job 1:21
we're all the same...what are we worrid so much about?

06:51 pm

i'd like to clarify some things....especially about my last post


i in no believe, think, or meant to say that mass as it is, is useless, dumb...or pointless, sinful,unbiblical or whatever

its not my intention...because, well, it isn't true
i would be hardpressed to believe that a church under shepard Fresca would be so lost



and i in no discourage people from attended St. Mary's catholic church

i said what i said because that is my reaction to it-----there are those who agree with me and those who don't
which is fine.....
just as long as we can join in the name of Christ---thats all we need


my point i'm tryin to make here is that too many people...(which means more than 2) have found shiloh to be an 'awakening' or whatever...somethin they had been missing

i believe that St. Mary's could have provided them with that awakening without them goin to a Baptist church
and i want to see like some sort of revival there

i can see it in so many people's eyes....they've made church their habit
their prayers are nothing but empty scripts
there communion becomes less and less a remembrance...and more and more a tradition
the church becomes less and less a house, and more and more a building


its these small things that trully destroy a church
you think satan is not that clever as to kill a church from the inside?

and i realize that certain personalities fit better with certain things
and i realize that people have different needs

but to make habit their faith----so that they can only approach God by saying some scripted prayer (like the rosary or whatever)...then we have problems


sure, scripts are nice to follow if you want to seperate what you say from what you mean

you got somethin to say to God---say it like you mean it
don't waste your breathe otherwise---God isn't fooled so easily


but how do we know when we become dependent on our habits?
we have to step out of them---and see what happens
do we forget our habits in taht new thing?
or do we feel withdrawl from our habits?


habit is literally a drug---you can get addicted to it....and you'll never know you're addicted until your without it
nobody can convince you that you're addicted....its somethin you see in yourself

i love Mass
i love the Christian church---doesn't matter what name people choose to call it
whether it be St. Mary's, Shiloh Baptist, Fredericksburg Methodist, Grace Church....whatever
they are just subtitles for the all encompassing name:
group of people gathered together for Christ



do not make habit your excuse to live life as a spiritual hermit
more people have died by habit, than they have by the sword
its just, their deaths aren't recorded because nobody is willing to admit it

03:21 pm

sunday....one of the best days ever?---most definitely

there is something about going out to lunch after morning church.....ah, nothin like shiloh to make ya wanna up and yell "right on preacher! you tell em!"

and sunday night....
i find myself in love with amy
and it is a good place
she is beautiful in every way



gaby was tellin me that her parents would never accept goin to a Baptist Church----that somehow the Catholic service is waaaay more Christian than the Baptist service

i have yet to meet a person who hasn't liked and been affected by Shiloh----its their passion, their drive for the Holy Spirit that moves them and it is reflected in their personality


lets be honest people: Mass is generally boring----you are either in one of two states while in Mass
1. crying
2. near-depressed solemnity

is that bad?
not necessarily---but then again its not too good either


i did notice the fundamental difference between Mass and Shiloh....and i'm probably gonna recieve crap for sayin this by the Catholics who read this

it seems that Mass is more focused on how sinful we are and drives for continual reflection upon our sinfulness
while
Shiloh spends maybe 10 minutes on our sin, and then its all about the joy and peace in the life found in Christ


we know we sin.....but we don't need to dwell on it constantly----its like a man having cancer can only think of his cancer....and he misses the fact that he's still alive...and that the cure is just a moment away


i think Mass is summed up in these 3 lines:
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy


the constant asking of mercy...its depressing----there is not one chance in Mass to really be trully happy about being saved
i mean, there really is no prayer that says:
"THANK YOU JESUS FOR SAVING ME!!!!!!!!"


i seriously think that if a man had to live in Mass for his entire life...he'd commit suicide----life is so blank in Mass
its all about asking mercy

there is more to Christianity than our sinfulness!
there is our joy!
our celebration!
our passion!
our desire!
our fellowship!

those things are missing in Mass---those things are Equally essential to Christian living as asking for mercy and forgiveness




i've been under the impression that a person really needed both the atmospheres of Mass and Shiloh-----but i realized i've been lying to myself

i was trying sooooo hard to incorporate as many Catholic traditions into my life as possible---and there is a reason why i did this....and i don't know if its the place to say it here...
i'll say it to the person to whom it really applies one day...this week---i must say it

anyways----i realized...that trully, a person doesn't need both Mass and Shiloh
Shiloh has its quiet time...it has its moments of silence and prayer----its asking of forgivenesss
but then after we've been forgiven---it goes into celebration, into passion mode----

we've been forgiven!!!!....lets get pumped up about it!

i think in many ways, a person saying that they Need Shiloh and Mass.....is really just trying as best they can both services in their lives in order to try to fullfill two senses of duty---
1. i'm Catholic, so i must go to Mass
2. Shiloh is the spiritual healer---the thing i need

or it could be any senses of duty
i know what mine were....

will i continue to go to Mass....yes
i will continue to go----why?
1. i don't really know
2. this reason is too personal to mention to all that read it here....those who are in my family here can ask me about it, and i will tell (its up to them to who they decide to tell it to)




i must say though...
Fresca really suprised me on Sunday

now
just for the sake of sayin
Fresca is the man....i don't know him too well
but he really is a Christian of Christians
there is a genuine feeling of Godliness in his person....i can feel it....he's a very conforting man
a very nice guy-----the spirit moves in him...
like i said
he is a Christian of Christians


but Fresca, please
you can't force passion into people
it isn't about yelling...or crossing yourself in an energetic way
or singing fast and loud
you can't force these things

in Shiloh---the people are so passionate because they want to be....they enjoy letting the spirit controll their voice
they enjoy being caught up in the Spirit
Shiloh is welcoming, encouraging of that
St. Mary's....i'm sorry to say, isn't.

just the physical structure of it isn't very condusive to much passion
the dim lights
the gold little boxes up there
everybody kneeling and mechanically gesturing
there is no freedom of movement or speech




here is one Biggggggggggggg problem i have with Mass
people always tell me its a time of solemn prayer------no!
you are supposed to do that outside of church----on your own!
Church is a time of fellowship, instruction, etc....
you must medidate on your own, in some other time than church!

Church is not the place to meditate---or have your personal time!
its a time for other Christians to fellowship and pray with you
can't fellowship when your meditating....

people, please
don't use that excuse to justify the way Mass is
it does not reflect well upon your own character



i want to invite Fresca to come with us to Shiloh----i don't know if he's been there
but we're all Christians....its ALL about Jesus Christ
everything else is...well, not anywhere near as important as Christ

there is no excuse one can find Biblically agaisnt goin to Shiloh but instead, goin to St. Mary's
Shiloh is only about Jesus---St. Mary's is about Jesus...and abunch of other stuff (ex. Mary, saints, eucharist, clergy, church teaching, etc...)

and since the Bible is only about Jesus, everything else is just details for narration---Shiloh is very Biblical
leave our extra doctrines at home for a change..................and why don't we all just for 2 hours focus, together solely on Jesus
our God, our Saviour, the Son of Man, the One who Will and Who has Smashed the serpent's head.....

He is our God
Let us Join in Praise of Him




its all about Jesus
nothing else comes close to His importance
should we let details get in the way?


and so, if you read this...
i urge you...come with us to Shiloh one week
don't matter, Catholic, Protestant, Buddhist, Muslim....whatever
see for yourself what i keep ranting about



one last thing---for those who actually have the will to read this whole thing

has the term "Christian" always just been a statement of fact?
"oh, he goes to church, he's a christian."

if Christians are supposed to be the epitome of mercy, kindness, peace, joy, fellowship, thanksgiving, faithful etc..
how come "Christian" isn't a compliment...
"oh man, he's so nice---he's got to be a Christian"

i was gonna call Fresca a Christian.....everybody will be like, "well duh, he's a priest"...
ha, well not all priests are christians....at least, their fruit doesn't speak to it
by calling a man a Christian---wouldn't we be saying that he is righteous in every way.....a blessing

thats what a Christian is: a blessing
Fresca is a Christian: Fresca is a blessing

am i a Christian?
what does my fruit say to it?



i realize that there are some people who don't like me....some people even in the CCM i believe don't like me
i wish they would get to know me, i wish i would get to know them
i wish they would speak to me..... at least tell me that they don't like me to my face




you can't judge a man by what his friends say
you can only judge him on what his enemies say

do i have enemies?
what do they say about me?
i don't know
do i want to know though?



loves,
phish

08:32 am

i'm kinda confused-----
everytime something happens, why do people always say God is there?
"hey, i got this position---the Holy Spirit must have willed it"

i don't know, maybe i'm more skeptical....i don't view things as most people it seems----
lets take an example: the election of the pope....
whoever gets elected, people will automatically it was God who really choose him....

oh sure, he was elected by a body of cardinals or whatever----
but in no way could it have just been sheer luck of the draw
i'm not too sure how good of an idea it is to constantly go around claiming that God has willed everything----
as if what has happened in life is exactly what God wanted its the wrong way to view things i think....

the pope is elected because a group of people voted in a certain manner---
there really isn't much that is supernatural about it the election of the pope is just as worldly as any election----heck, if the pope was chosen by the Holy Spirit, then why would we have an election?

another thing that sorta bothers me----
its somethin i've noticed just recently.....people always sayin stuff like "Jesus is gonna be there!" as if Jesus was gonna walk through the door----
but i've been in those situations where "Jesus was there"....and i didn't see anybody
maybe i'm more grounded in this world,
and i don't so easily claim supernatural intervention as most people
just because i go to church, doesn't mean "Jesus was there!" or just because i go to some other program, doesn't mean "I saw the Holy Spirit!" i don't expect things from God like that
i don't expect God to be anywhere that would make sense---like at church sure, i hope He descends upon Church this morning.....
but honestly, in my life...i'd rather experience God in an everyday activity, like walking back from class or whatever


another thing: when people pray over things---why do we expect that our prayers will be answered?
i guess the most obvious example would be the Eucharist when the priest prays those fancy little prayers----
how do we know God answered these prayers? its not like we could test to see if He did
but people will say, 'you just need to have faith' haha....
yeah right-----if i went around behaving as if God had answered all my prayers, then i'd have problems

i don't pray my prayers really expecting them to get answered----i pray them because i want actually say my desires to God
i only demand one thing of God---that he save ashely....i don't care when or how.....whether it be now, or 5 minutes before her death--she needs to be saved....and i demand that of you God....i'll be really really pissed and sad if you choose not to save her




you choose to save me
why leave her out?
what do i have in me that makes me worthy, and she not?
and don't give me this 'free will' crap----you know that isn't true....you know that you choose me: what i did was just a reflection of what you wanted
it wasn't me who was praying those prayers---it was you in me....i didn't create those desires
if i had, you know i wouldn't have prayed them more than one night
you can save her----so do it
that is my demand



stupid allergies
oh man, i felt terrible last night....
i couldn't move my kneck, couldn't speak, my eyes hurt, my head hurt---i was a wreck


its weird when i'm called "dear"---even when its a half joke or somethin
kinda like it....ha


i feel bad, because i really didn't do anything productive yesterday
i should have gone to the library or somethin, and just read
instead..i was lazy

i really hate writing papers
ugh
i'm gonna have to force myself to write my english paper today
luckily we did a style workshop in class---so all i got to do is make up a thesis, and then expand it into a couple pages...and then divide up my ideas at a section a time, then down to the paragraphs---i thinks thats the least i'll do today
maybe i'll actually start writing it?...maybe not


yay for church today!
God bless them!

works,
phish

07:42 am

i was asked yesterday whether i was goin to Adoration....i didn't really have an idea of what that was

now i know

maybe its just me, but i'm not really gonna waste my time spending an hour kneeling in front some bread and grape juice
no
of course, i'll be told Jesus is actually in that bread, and juice
but all i'll see is bread and juice i could get from Giant
i would hope God doesn't limit Himself to those two household items


i spend most of my prayer time in the shower---wet, naked, on my knees....with nobody near me, no distractions---
no dim lights, soft music, other christians....just me and God right there

screw atmosphere...screw church-----then, its just me and my God

so i guess one could say my adoration is spent in shower---bread and juice not included


i'm not sayin Adoration as a time of prayer is bad...or whatever----its meditation, what we need
but to adore---what is there to adore other than God?
if God is in the bread--then it is bread we adore? we adore that which is physical? was it Jesus' body we adore? do we pray to his corpse?
and if this is the case---how would this be any different from any church service---it just wouldn't have a sermon
God is in God---not in bread....and if we need physical representations of God to allow us to pray to Him---then we have problems
not to say anybody does

its almost a form of idol worship---we adore the Eucharist....
the Eucharist--God Himself is in it----that is an idol


when i became a Christian---i recieved the mark of a hand on my chest....more than once---
i would argue that God had arranged me so that i would wake up with it----as if God Himself put his hand there....
but did i see God within that print?---no...i saw no God
if i see no God to become a Christian---then i see no God staying a Christian

"You saw no form of any kind the day the Lord spoke to you....." Deuteronomy 4:15
far be it from me that i would then include and combine God and bread----to make an image for myself

when it comes to God....tangeability fails, there is no point in trying to physically percieve God
can only trully say, i've touched God?






"I saw the sky open
and beheld a White Horse
He who sat upon the horse was called Faithful and True
His eyes were flame and fire
and upon His head were many crowns
as He decended, he was followed by the armies of Heaven
a sharp sword proceeded from out of His mouth
with it, He struck down the nations
as he began to administer the fierce wrath of Almight God"
---amazing lyric

"'Teacher,' said John, 'we saw a man driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.'
'Do not stop him,' Jesus said, 'No one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not with us is against us. I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.'" 9:38-41

unity isn't based on doctrine, on beliefs, on practices, on authority, or on emotions------unity is based in faith, in action
if we want to unify--we must start recognizing the good works of others


works,
phish

04:40 pm

i am bored

10:55 pm

well, i finally recieved Pantokrator--Blod....its an excellent cd...a bit too slow for me in some parts, almost sounding a bit nu-metalish...but the female vocals and the over all sound make up for it
and even i have no idea what the dude is screamin about (1. i can't understand it 2. its not in english), i know its Christ-centered, and thats enough for me


have i been slacking off, or have i really just not had as much work to do?
i think its the latter

i ate four hamburgers at supper seminar--not the best idea


today in english, we used Combs 449 or somethin like that to watch a film---32 Shorts Films About Glen Gould----

maybe its just me, or does post-modernism seem like the most retarded art form ever?
maybe its just the way the teacher is presenting it----but i swear, if the guy says another thing about "truth" and "reality",etc..i'm gonna freak out----he's not a philosophy professor, he has studied art his entire life...and then he feels as if he has the intellectual authority to instruct me upon the relativety of truth

and its not necessary to do the little 'quote hand thing' every time he says "reality"---and its not necessary to add the little phrase "what ever that means" after he says "reality" or "truth", etc......its sooo aggrivating---i got his point the first time

i'm getting tired of all his psuedo-philosophy.....ugh



somebody asked me if i hate gay people the other day.....
i do not hate gay people
its wrong to hate anybody

the only thing i hate is sin...more specifically, a certain kind of sin----i don't need to talk more about it



here is one aspect of why i like metal so much:
it has a certain anger, aggression, passion, force to it....something which all other types of music lack
its this kind of passion, aggression, anger, force which i hold in my heart---and all of it is directed to my Christian walk, to overcoming sin

it appeals to me, the force of it all---the loud, pounding beats, the screams and yells, the 'freakish' sound effects....it all appeals to me---to my sense of atmosphere

the dark imagery, the overall darkness to the sound---a darkness that sin can't penetrate....


now, i listen to non-Christian bands too----most notably Nile, some Converge, some Slayer, Strapping Young Lad, etc.....
i like metal for metal....it appeals to me---
not all art has to have Christ stuck in it for it to be good art

but as i've said over and over....music just for music is empty when compared to music for God



many people always say, "put your faith in God", or somethin like that

but not many people actually explain what that is, and how one does it

just like most every other aspect of Christianity--the answer to this is really simple, yet really hard to follow

trusting God means basically not worrying about things---not asking questions about the future....you state your desires to God--and let whatever happens happen

that is trust---we can't see God, we shouldn't trust Him as we trust other people....we trust Him on a higher level---when we trust people, we have that little bit of concern of whether they can accomplish what you have given them........but we can't worry about God, He does His will, and you wont even realize it at the time

so, let go of life, and let God live it for you



i think:
the biggest miracles flow through the smallest people



i find it amazing how God had the answer to my prayers, and was just waiting me to graduate high school for me to meet her---
and the whole time i was wondering whether God was even gonna bother to listen when nothing else had worked for me

and what is amazing, is how she came out with it all first---she started it, she initiated it....a lesson for me to learn, a lesson taught well, taught by example----i now hopefully follow--
what i was told made me love her even more...her heart, its like i can sense it---that honesty, her truth to herself and to her faith
that internal beauty she has...
i find a peace in just thinking about it
to be perfectly honest, i want to be completely transparent to her---for her to see right through me, nothin hidden
i love amy
the answer to my prayers

i give thanks to my God


loves,
phish

08:42 pm

what a day....

i'll just say me and amy have come to understand each other much better
she is literally an answer to my prayers

i love her

09:44 am

there are two ways in which to view Christianity---with regard to the question i've been trying to answer for the past couple days--

1. the fact that man can only condemn himself---that is in a sense fundamental to Christianity---without the doctrine that man can only sin under his own power, Chrisitianity would be an empty belief

2. that there is in fact a reason by why 'man can only condemn himself'----this side leans toward actual belief in Christianity, while the first view sees Christianity as a mere world religion




maybe its not our actions that condemn man?
do we know why eve and adam ate of the fruit?---if we did, then we migh trully have insight into the reason why man's fate is strickly that of condemnation

"...and you will be like God..." Genesis 3:5------out of all the things that would have tempted eve and adam, is it safe to believe that this was the biggest temptation facing them?

yet there is a problem with that:
"What is this you have done?" Genesis 3:13, "because you...ate from the tree..." Genesis 3:17

there is no indication within Genesis that it was adam's and eve's heart or desires that was their sin---but the action of eating itself was what God commanded them not to do
is it possible to believe that adam and eve could have wanted to be like God, yet not have sinned in wanting that?

i have no idea



freedom---what is it?
"We are Abraham's descendents and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?
Jesus replied, " I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin.....So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
John 8:33-34

everybody always talks about man having free will---and that is why the world is so crappy...but from this verse, are sinners trully free?

maybe 'freedom' isn't in the choosing God or not, but actually being in God or not....


here's my problem with the whole Christian free will argument:
people always claim that if the possibility to sin wasn't present in the Garden of Eden, then man would have been a robot----now that is dumb

thats like saying not letting your kids watch porn is somehow limiting their free will---it limits their choice, but not their free will

there is a distinction between liberty and volition that Locke pointed out that i thought was rather intriguing:
Liberty is the ability to make a certain choice
Volition is the desire, the internal choice one makes

God doesn't let man see into the future, nor does He let man turn back time----does that limit our free will, our volition?....no, but it does limit our Liberty

i find it hard to believe that at some random point, adam and eve decided they wanted to be like God, and eat of the fruit---without the aid of the serpent....they were quite happy not even considering eating of the fruit---was their free will limited at that time?
i bet they hand't even considering eating the fruit until the serpent came along





never take revenge...never consider taking revenge...revenge is nothing but sin---you gain nothing but you're own condemnation from it



why do people keep so many secrets?
God already knows them, so what do have to fear from man?
there are those this applies to, and those to who it does not
let your own honesty be the judge of it


wednesday,
phish

10:10 am

03:29 pm

i'm so pathetic....why in the name of all that is good did i take this stupid test....
there is got to be something better i can do with my time

You are a Slutcom 0, also known as the frigid level of slutcom. Slutcom 0 is someone who hasn't been with too many people, if they've been with people at all. Hook-ups are practically non-existant - there may be one or two in the past, but nothing consistent or spectacular. You're a card carrying member of the prude patrol, or at least close. Take the slutcom litmus test! The slutcom litmus test originated in A Word of Advice.

09:58 am

i still find it interesting how man can condemn himself, but can't save himself
kinda unfair don't you think?
the only option we have is failure

after all, would there be any reason to believe in God, if you didn't believe that belief in Him is necessary?
nobody believes out of conveniece



facts don't matter, perception is truth


its interesting, the more complicated a person lives, the less meaning their life has
you'd think it'd be the other way around---the more a person does, the more impacts they make, means that there life is that much more worth it

the qualitity of impacting a person is more important that the quantity of people you impact
but let that not be an excuse to not invite everybody to church/mass


i worried about amy's leg
hope it gets better



2 college choices for ashley:
she's stuck between goin to Virginia Tech, or JMU
VT:
pros:
great school
awesome crosscountry team
cons:
greater chance of being cut, considering ashley's out-of-shapeness
not the conference ashley wants to be in

JMU
pros:
good team, she do well in it
conference

cons:
she can do better academically than JMU


there is absolutely no way she can stay an UNC at W.....she just can't afford it
she knows that....and it sucks that she has to start all over, but she knows as well as i do that she really doesn't have a choice--she has to go to an in-state school

i will always keep her in my hopes and prayers



enough now,
phish

09:46 am

what is it about reading the Bible that just pushes out one's sins?
you can feel it, you can sense how the Word takes more and more room in your heart---and when reading, you realize how small you really are
i was looking through Lamentations yesterday---very powerful book, and i have yet to really read it, what a shame


i saw phantom of the opera again last night with amy, hannah and kadie..and a few of their friends

there are certain parts of that movie that are a bit cheesy---but its ok...the music is good, but like many, i'm not really a big fan of Gerard Butler's voice...i don't know why, just doesn't do it for me i guess---his voice isn't as 'clean' sounding i guess

i don't know


visually, opera sucks---i can't stand watching it...i remember watching The Magic Flute by Mozart in Pollard one time, and visually, it was retarded....
the music was good, i guess, it kinda lacked the emotion that i was looking foward to...but maybe thats just me, or the production of it
whatever


ballet is stupid...am i the only one who thinks that it looks retarded...forget stylized, or 'graceful'....gracefull to me is watching a person confortable walk down the side walk in a natural way

funny how man substitutes his own nature for that of his creations
ex.
how a we put on fancy clothes and dresses, and in the process forgetting how our bodies look
maybe we are more ashamed of ourselves than we realize

i think its a bad reflection upon man's self image that he would rather make himself look good, than believe he looks good by himself


its interesting how in Christiany man is able to condemn himself, but is not able to free himself
we can sin, but we can't save
we can lie, but we can't tell the truth
---its really a loose-loose situation
and the only way for us to save ourselves is if we submit to this God, who demands that we sacrifice all that we hold sacred to him, in order to save ourselves from the system He implemented
sounds like a power grab than anything else

put man in a position where he can only condemn himself, then hold the only key to freedom---and as payment for freedom, you must submit your life


and its even more interesting how i actually believe it!
and how i subscribe to this!


breakfast with amy!,
phish

08:11 am

last night was awesome because i got to spend time with amy

what happened?
well, i met up with amy and hannah at i.v.---which was good, the speaker was really funny even when tellin a serious story
then, me, and amy, and her friend mary went to the nest---then mary just sorta left, so me and amy had dinner
afterwards, we went back to my room so that i could change shorts so we could go to the gym for some basketball
andy came too, and we played a bit of 21 until this turd said he was closin the gym
then, we all came back to my room--then me and amy went to giant----i love doing things like with her
when came from giant, and then watched 12 monkeys--which is a pretty good movie--hope amy enjoyed it

to be honest, playin basketball with amy is probably one of the most things i've ever done
yeah
she is so much fun to be with
yeah, i love her



amy bought me What Dreams May Come, i'm so very thankful--its a great movie


i must say, Nile-In Their Darkened Shrines is an excellent cd, with excellent lyrics
the lyrics circle around Egyptian history, myth, lore, and religion
they are really creative---and each lyric relates to some kind of aspect of Egyptian history or religion
props to them for being a good death metal band that is awesome and doesn't sing about digusting stuff like Cannibal Corpse
definitely gonna be getting all their cd's some time


some people like movies, some people like jewlry, some people like antiques, some people like books, some people like _______ (fill in blank)
i like cd's----i enjoy collecting them, listening to them, and keeping them----especailly metal ones....actually, metal cd's are the only ones i actually enjoy getting
i will probably spend upwards of about 300$ on cd's over the summer, or at least when i get back from the summer
some people gonna think i'm crazy, or just wasting my money----meh, not really, its what i enjoy


it doesn't take much to make me happy
here is an exhaustive list of what makes me happy:

spending time with amy
chocolate---dark chocolate (cookies, ice cream...whatever)
listening to cds, buying cds, talking about cds with peter
artsy movies
spending time with amy
soccer, basketball, tennis, etc...
spending time with amy
talking with ashley, hangin out with her
metal
spending time with amy
reading victorian literature----especially russian literature
hangin out with jeslyn


thats an exhaustive list---i can't really think of much more else that really makes me really happy
(God is assumed....duhhh)

i'm glad amy is gonna be on 'xc'---cross country---next year....she was tellin me about it
and i wanted her to do it, but i wanted to make sure she had the time to do it....
i know how much she loves to run, and i can imagine not running with a team really sucks


ok, time for mass----


hopefully a great day follows a great night

be a blessing,
phish

07:31 am

every christian basically knows the limits of their moral behavior....
but do we know why Christian morality is the way it is?

why did God create it so that its 1 man and 1 woman who should unite?
i don't understand what it is about having 1 man and woman that makes it better than having 2 men, 1 woman, or 2 women and 1 man......

now, some might say that you can only really love one other person: not true---people love both their parents equally...and there is no competition....problems only arise when the parents don't love each other

so, if a man were to marry 2 women, and those two women were to love each other as much as they love the man, then what would be the problem?


i can understand the obvious physical problems inherent in homosexuality---at its most fundamental level, it doesn't make any sense apart from just plain desire


although, homosexuality does bring about an interesting question: if it is driven solely by personal desire, as many Christians claim it to be, couldn't desire itself be considered a moral act?

much like my questioning of faith, is desire itself a moral thing, or is its morality dependent on what is desired?
i have absolutely no idea


its interesting how many Christians appeal to nature as their guide for much of their sexual action, "animals aren't gay" kinda thing----funny how at the same time they believe nature to be poisoned by original sin----they use an imperfect model to demonstrate perfection....
one could look at the lion, and say: "look, the male lion has more than one mate, therefore, it is ok with man"

thats retarded in and of itself though---do monkeys justify their actions based on the actions of dogs?
isn't it absurd to think that because a monkey behaves a certain way, thats the way you train your dog?
how is that any different from comparing man to any animal?



heres another question thats been screwin with me:
is the 1 man 1 woman thing just the way God created it, or is it how it is in God?
meaning, is Christian morality the way God just created the world, or is Christian morality actually a part of God---i.e., is it as infinite as God is infinite?

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1
beginning of what?---just this universe?--or is 'beginning' to be interpreted as meaning in the 'beinging of infinity'---meaning infinite in and of itself

again, i have no idea


but as Christians, we shouldn't so easily brush off immorality---be more clever as to why certain things might be wrong----
and don't be afraid to proclaim that something is wrong in and of itself---that the thing itself is wrong....


why do non-christians discredit that?
if everything is a belief--which it could be argued that everything is--couldn't a man just choose to believe that a thing in itself is wrong, while another believes otherwise, and they be both correct at the same time?

then we wouldn't have a case of one thing being two things---we'd have two perceptions--equally arbitrary, equally worthless, and equally valid
so how can non-christians really argue over morality?

i guess i should define a 'non-christian' as a person who holds no absolute metaphysical beliefs




i've grown to have a particular disgust with liberalism---the problem with liberalism, real, no-absolute-truth-liberalism is that it doesn't recognize its own arrogance
unlike conservatism---every conservative knows he's on the top of the world, the richest, fattest people in the world--they are aware of this, and they proclaim as loud as they can
they love who they are, they love their big business, small worker, big house, nice car, and conservative talk shows, fox news----they are proud of these things!

the true liberal, the one with no set beliefs, however, tries his best to prove himself based on simplified emotions, sympathies,social theory, and a general distrust of long held morals---not once does he realize that he builds his who ideology on mud--and that the single phrase: "i choose not to" can destroy his whole system

lets take abortion for example: yeah, one could argue that it in some way or another has been practiced throughout time---its nothing new...
yeah-but what is the true liberal's justification for it?---small sympathy on part of the mother, a drive to liberal's own version of practicality, the expansion of morality, and the drive to make 'choice' something everybody has

the idea of choice and the moral argument can easily be brushed aside, the sympathy for the mother is outdone by the conservatives proclaiming that they love both child and mother (although, not really sure how true that is)

what is more difficult is to overcome is the liberal's version of practicality---its something that can't be countered by conservatism---the conservative argument is based on morality....it can in no way compete with practicality


but i do find it intesting how liberals actually use pragmatics as an argument for anything, when at the same time they're always pushing a liberal arts education----which is by far the most unpractical education.....like knowing what happened in Great Expectations, or knowing the details of the War of 1812 is gonna really produce something---like food, or shelter


people have forgotten that the liberal arts education is supposed to be the playground of education---in a way, its supposed to be enjoyable and fun---my english professor is a near perfect example of this (although he is a true-liberal, and teaches you it)...he wants us to enjoy the literature he assigns
i can't say that happens for all liberal arts professors----who actually consider their profession an actual science....what a joke




ok, ralph nader has spoken at this school----is there even a chance of a conservative speaker?
sean hannety maybe?---somebody?


ah, nothing like a liberal to proclaim an open mind and then to immediately say that you can't have a conservative speaker because it is close-minded------why are people so stupid?

if you can't argue both sides, then you are close-minded----ralph nader can't argue both sides
neither can sean hannety (sp?)---so might as well have equally ignorant people come and talk, trying their best to persuade the student body--who obviously can't think for themselves

the weekend is close at hand....don't know what i'll be doin--hopefully something fun

friday!,
phish

08:17 am

ok, here's my view on the "Communion of Saints":
you can't communicate with the dead

the Jews didn't do it, Jesus didn't do it, and the Disciples didn't do it

its a very intriguing belief though, and it sure does add a special sense of mysticism within Christian belief....a very tempting belief indeed because its not directly mentioned in the Bible

i guess one reason its not mention in the Gospels is because prayin to the dead seems a bit weird:
ex. "Jesus, can we pray to Moses, and will he mediate between you and me?"
thats an awkward question to ask the Son of Man----maybe the reason the question never came up was because 1. it doesn't matter, 2. it was forbidden under Jewish law


now of course, the jewish says somethin like "conjuring dead spirits" or whatever
and one could make the argument that asking St. Whoever to pray for you is not really "conjuring dead spirits"---but then again, conjuring dead spirits doesn't mean you're a witch bioling frogs and chanting evil sayings

i'll never really understand why the Vatican doesn't consider Jesus enough for all its beliefs....hmm--can't change now




i guess another question is: can all Christian beliefs be inferred from Jesus' ministry?
thats really a fundamental question:
most Catholics believe no, most protestants belief yes...

how do you go from Jesus' ministry to a Communion of Saints?---i don't see any implicit connection
at least everybody can agree on that--
if it took the Catholic Church years to formulate this doctrine, then its pretty safe to assume that it doesn't directly relate back to Jesus---but is more of a reflection on the Church itself



if we were to take Christ' ministry alone to figure out whether there was a "ministry of saints"---we wouldn't get very far---Jesus wasn't a man of doctrine: which is why almost everything is in parable/allegory form
the only doctrine that He actually put forth was His own plan of salvation---but then again, that was nothing new--it was just a completetion of Jewish prophecy

so Jesus didn't really create anything new, but actually fullfilled the old---kinda leaves a vacuum of beliefs
much like if all of a sudden the Catholic Church renounced all its extra-biblical beliefs---there'd be a vaccuum of beliefs


i think one of the problems of Christianity to earlier generations is that is just wayyyy to simple---Christianity in its original form didn't provide a set social structure, or even a big structure of beliefs like the people in those days were used to
there wasn't any fancy ritualism, or special dates, or anything like that---nothing was considered holy in and of itself

and because of this people--i think many of the early church leaders missed the point of Christianity

Christianity isn't just something to be believed---but something to be lived

unlike Judaism, you have actually live Christianity for Christianity to be true in your heart
like the Bible says:
you will know them by their fruits






ok
i've come across this website that makes some absurd claims about Christ---and who he could be...time to respond to them:
there is a general logical proof that many Christians use in order to try to prove their own faith:
1. Jesus is truth
or
1. Jesus lied--yet he was a moral teacher
2. Jesus was mistaken--a lunatic if you will
3. Jesus was a legend


ok, to assume that Jesus was the only person in the world to somehow claim He is divinely inspired is absurd----and so Jesus wouldn't be the only 'lunatic' to have existed in the world---
take Buddha for example: there are two schools of Buddhist thought surrounding him
1. he is like a saviour
2. he is just a great phrophet style dude

which one is more absurd?---a christian would obviously answer 1 is more absurd---but then again, a Christian would say that Jesus not being God is an absurd notion
the fact that Jesus claimed to be God doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be true---sure, anybody can claim to be god---but then again, culture is much much different now

and in truth, thinking of a man claiming to be god isn't all that absurd---ex. the Pope claims to have direct spiritual authority from God-- to an outsider, that might seem absurd

and people might point to this 'great' contradiction: if Jesus was a great 'moral' teacher, yet lied about who he is, then obviously he isnt that great of a moral teacher----eh, thats not enough of a basis to think a man is God just because he makes a contradiction---i guess all moral teachers must be perfect, or can never be mistaken of their own identity


another thing is the belief that the story of Jesus was sort of made up by his followers---the objection to this says this can only be false because there is no way to believe Jesus was a God if there wasn't some reason to believe He was God--i.e., His resurrection
now this isn't so absurd:
ex. the Buddhist sect who believes Buddha was a saviour/god thingie----its not as absurd as it might seem





heres my general problem with this "proof of Jesus" thing-----it uses the appearent absurdity of Christianity to validate itself
the implicit follows: Jesus was too absurd to have been wrong

the implicit logic of that is: the more absurd, the less possibility of being false
the implicit logic of that is: as the degree of absurdity of something increases, the impossibility of that something decreases

the level of absurdity is not a good foundation on which to place one's belief
is Jesus really the most absurd character in all of history that we should all believe in Him?


so i guess in this sense, Christianity is the belief in the absurd---the belief that it is the most absurd



its an interesting notion to begin believing in Christianity because it is too absurd to be wrong
its turns a usual proof of something upside down----usually when we try to prove something, we try to make it as realistic as possible, yet this proof does the exact opposite

it does make sense though---that if God is above all things, then He would seem grossly absurd to us
something so fantastic that one can only believe it because there is no way it could have occured naturally

the same thing sorta follows with intepretations of miracles--that something so absurd happened that there is no way nature could explain it

i guess in this sense, Christianity is a miracle---i think many people who subscribe to that idea, or that description


and on second thought---i can see how this proof might work--although, its a stretch: belief in the absurd
so maybe next time somebody asks me why i believe what i do: i'll say, "I believe because its absurd"
isn't that what we expect people to say by this proof?---they'd believe because of the proof of the absurd






i don't get why people consider tanning to be attractive---what is it about darker skin that is supposed to be more attractive?
i don't know
i'm gonna look it up

absurdity!,
phish

07:47 pm

at Brag Hill, Roberto gave me at least 2 hugs....
he's a good kid---i pray that he grow up, and become something for himself

i like kids---they don't really first consider what others think, or about popular systems of thought immediately---the only they think or are influenced by these things is when somebody comes and presents them to the child

i asked amy whether she's ever worn guy shorts----well, she hasn't....but i really don't see what the big deal is if she did, i mean, hey, if they're confortable, then more power to them---
better for her to wear guys clothing she feels more confortable in, than to stumble around in girl's clothing
thats my opinion----

the point wouldn't be to dress as a guy, but to dress as confortbale--the fact that the more confortable clothes are guy clothes would just be a coincidence

i guess the real question is: would i be willing to wear girl clothes if they were more confortable----well, no i wouldn't
definitely not
then again, it is more acceptable for girls to wear guys' clothing than vice versa

09:27 am

well, i just registered for classes, and here is my sched as i know it:
mwf
bio 9-9:50
hegel/marx/nietzsche 12-15:50
economics 2-2:50
spanish 3-3:50

tues and thurs
bio lab 9:30-12:15
edu 12:30-1:45

oh man, didn't realize i had all my classes on mwf....crap
those days are gonna suck real bad
oh well--it could always be worse



wow
i like amy so much
its like i came to this school in order to just meet her
and i'm thankful that i have

i've been invited to go to her sister's wedding as amy's 'date'....
that should be interesting

i can't wait to one weekend go up to amy's house and just hang out---that'll be fun...
i'm gonna miss during the summer being able to eat lunch with her, and play tennis with her, and just spend time with her

yeah
maybe one weekend she could come down to centreville for the weekend or somethin---that'd be awesome
and i'm really hopin that me, amy and ashley could spend some time up at ashley's beach house.....that'd be fun


if people can't already tell, i really want amy and ashley to become good friends---i love them both---ashley will always be my sister, and i hope she can become amy's sister too


i'm really worried about the thing with amy's leg....thats weird

same with ashley's knee---thats even more weird: its like the pain of a bruise within her knee--but it only lasted like a day or two---very strange:::the only thing i can do is pray i guess

and we should be keepin zeke in our prayers too---i'm not up on all his health thingies: but whatever he's got, it sucks, and sucks bad----



hopefully next semester, me and amy will find a time to eat lunch together like we've been able to do this semester.....honestly, it is really the thing i look foward to during the week, and the thing i reflect on during the day

miracles don't happen when we expect them to, they happen when we fully submit to God, and trully realize its up to Him whether a miracle should occur or not
God will most likely always disappoint if we walk around expecting some kind of divine intervention at every turn----we do not test our God, or put Him to the test
"A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.'" Matthew 8:2


there is one thing i like about metal---they don't use sex to sell crap....and when they do use sex, its usually some weird freak fetish stuff----but the music that usually accompanies those groups suck anyways

i mention this because i just watched the Jem video of "They"---its a good non-metal song
and it was ok until the last part where there was an obvious attempt to use her body to somehow make the song better

well, let me tell you, i don't care how many poses they put her in, it ain't gonna make me buy her cd anymore than i normally would--which, at least for myself, is never---it'd be a good cd as a present....maybe if i bought all the death/black/grind/doom/rap metal in the world, plus some progressive stuff, and some of the Twisted into Form stuff.....then i'd maybe start showing some interest in considering to buy Jem's cd for myself

besides, amy is about 100,000,000 times more attractive than she is---so their effort was pretty stupid
let the music speak for itself---if Jem wants to sell her image, why doesn't she just go into softcore porn?



what matters isn't what others percieve in you, but what you percieve in yourself
a proud man will never realize he is proud, no matter what people tell him
a humble man won't care what others think
a Christian man will be able to tell which one he is


ok, time for a short nap--even though i should be workin....errgggg....



loves,
phish

09:24 pm

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